True Self-Esteem

Self-Esteem is a way of thinking, feeling, and acting that implies that you accept, respect, trust, and believe in yourself. When you accept yourself, you can live comfortably with both your personal strengths and weaknesses without undue self-criticism. When you respect yourself, you acknowledge you own dignity and value as a unique human being. You treat yourself well, in much the same way you would treat someone else you respect.

Self-trustmeans that your behaviors and feelings are consistent enough to give you an inner sense of continuity and coherence despite changes and challenges in your external circumstances. To believe in yourself means that you have confidence that you can fulfill your deepest personal needs, aspirations, and goals. True self-esteem comes from within. To do this we must build a satisfying inner relationship with ourselves, literally behaving toward ourselves as worthy and adequate. We must learn to value ourselves, whether or not others do, if we are to build security within. To accomplish this we must learn to value ourselves for who we are, not only for what we do.

When we lose contact with our inner self, we may fill that empty space by creating an idealized self, sometimes called apersona. This is the image that we want the world to see when they look at us. It takes a lot of energy to maintain an idealized image. Rather than putting energy toward actualizing our real self, we put our energy and attention toward an illusion. The heavier the reliance on our idealized self, the more out of touch we become with our inner self. The more we try to blow life into a hollow shell, the less authentically we are able to live.

This syndrome of heavy reliance on an idealized self is strengthened in families that model perfection and have personal values that demand that the family appear perfect. When normal human mistakes and inadequacies must be hidden to maintain an idealized image, the energy that might have gone into building a solid relationship with ourselves is wasted on creating an illusion.

The remedy is to bring the focus back to oneself and to sit with an open and willing attitude - ready to discover one’s own true inner makeup. The first step on the road to higher self-esteem is to know that no matter how long you have denied your real self, it can still be accessed. If you are willing to sit with yourself and listen, you will learn to hear the still small voice of your own true nature. Living in touch with your essential self is the essence of healthy self-esteem.